That’s No Moon That’s a Bowling Ball!
by DragonRidingSorceress
Summary: Take your bowling ball. Strike the pins down with it. Now, give it a name! Never mind, just read it. Yes, the title is a Ben Kenobi quote… kind of.
1. The Letters

_That's No Moon. That's a Bowling Ball!_

Summary: Take your bowling ball. Strike the pins down with it. Now, give it a name! Never mind, just read it. Yes, the title is a Ben Kenobi quote… kind of.

Disclaimer: We own nothing except the original, crazy idea. Everything else belongs to others – mainly Geoge Lucas & Tripod, butthere'sothers in here as well. Yes, we do know it's sad to make send-ups of send-ups, but we can't help it. It's fun!

This is written by two people: DragonRidingSorceress and maddymouse. It's just posted under my name because we thought I'd have more time. But, if you like this, read some of maddymouse's stories, too!

* * *

Chapter One: The Letters

Padme, with a woman's instincts and excellent hearing, called from the shower, "Ani, dear, can you get the mail?"

Anakin got up from the couch, shaking his head. "Unbelievable. Why isn't she a Jedi? She's got the hearing. The postman only just came!" He wandered over to the door, and picked up the huge stack of letters. "Bill, bill, senate stuff, senate, blackmail, fanmail, blackmail, stalker, bill, invitation, bill – invitation?"

Anakin dumped the other letters, and carefully opened the invitation.

_Rip!_

"Hey, Padme! You're invited to a bowling party! Hey, it says take a friend! I'm your friend! At least, I get friendly with you. Can I come?"

"No. I don't want to have to deal with a cranky, evil Jedi when I kick your butt."

"Is that a challenge? Hey, look! It says 2 games for $12! Shoe hire & food included! Can we go? Please? Please-please-please?"

"Why did I marry you? You're such a child!"

"I'm five years younger than you. What do you expect? So, can I come?"

"Oh, alright. I give up!"

* * *

Obi-Wan rolled out of bed when the knocking didn't go away. "Coming, coming! Hold your banthas!"

He had fallen asleep fully dressed, so he just shoved his feet into his ug-boots.

He opened the door to see a Clone Trooper. "What now?"

The Clone held out an envelope. "Your mail, sir."

"Oh, ok. Come on in."

Obi-Wan turned and went inside. The Clone, still holding the letter, followed, hitting his head on the door as he entered.

"Mind the door!" called Obi-Wan over his shoulder.

The Clone stared at Obi-Wan. Was he… surely not… but yes, he was wearing pink, _high-heeled_ ug-boots. Obi-Wan, opening the letter, which had mysteriously appeared in his hand, (we're not quite sure how) saw the stare.

"Yoda tried to talk me out of buying these. I'm not sure why. I think they make me look taller. What do you think?"

"Um…"

But Obi-Wan wasn't paying attention to the Clone. He was reading his invitation. "Bowling? I've never been bowling before. It says bring a friend. Damn, I don't have any friends. Hey, Clone, do you wanna come bowling?"

The Clone looked him up and down, grateful for thehelmet covering his horrified expression. "Is that an order… sir?"

"Well, I wasn't going to make it, but yes. You have to come bowling with me."

"Yes, sir!" he saluted, thinking _'Curse this obedience thing!'

* * *

_

Meanwhile…

Hey, it's the "Meanwhile Guy" I like you. You're handy.

Yeah, thanks. Anyway, meanwhile…

In the council chambers, an argument was raging.

"Make fun of my height, do not!" Yoda admonished sternly.

"You don't have any height to make fun of." Ki-Adi told him sourly.

"Yes, Yoda," said Yarael Poof. The Quermian Jedi Master was the tallest member of the Council. "It's because of you we all have to sit on these tiny chairs. We're not all midgits, you know! I get a neck-ache after every meeting. I need a lot of support, you know."

"Your cake hole shut, Master Poofta."

"_Poof_, not Poofta!"

"Who's a poofta?" asked Mace, entering the room.

"The one with the pink lightsabre," muttered Saesee Tiin.

"What did you say?"

"Saesee's right, you know. It is kinda suss that you've got a pink lightsabre. I mean, it would be alright if you were a chick, but I mean, seriously – a bald black guy with a pink lightsabre?" pointed out Depa Billaba.

"IT'S _PURPLE!_" shouted Mace.

"Know where this argument goes, we do," said Yoda. "_Your _fault it is we have short chairs. Not mine. So, there, Poofta! Afford replacements we cannot. A budget we have, you know!"

Then he saw the letter in Mace's hand. "Ooh! Letter! Gimme gimme gimme!" he reached out with his clawed green hands.

Mace held the letter out of Yoda's reach – about three feet off the ground. "Come on! Jump, boy, jump! You can get it!"

Yoda gave Mace a hostile glare. "Regret, at times like this, thatDarksider I am not. At least pink undies I do not wear."

Everyone was staring at Yoda – and trying desperately not to look at Mace. There were very loud whispers of "…like his lightsabre…?"

"How did you know – Oh, crap. Here!" He thrust the letter at Yoda. Yoda, grinning ecstatically, opened the letter carefully.

_Rip!_

"To go bowling I have been invited. Take a friend I must. Hm. How about it, baldy?"

"As long as no one puts my head in the waxer again. That was annoying."

* * *

Anakin 'snuck' back into his appartment. He opened the door, walked in – and slipped on a letter.

"Aargh!" he shouted. "It's a Sith assasination attempt! Oh, wait, it's just a letter. Hey! A letter!"

He opened it carefully.

_Rip!_

"Another invitation! For me! Yay! I'm important!"

He got out his comm link. "Padme, Padme… now, which number was she… I know it's one of these things…" He began reciting the speed dial buttons. "1 was Mom… 2 was Dex's Diner… 3 was the dry cleaners… 4 was Obi-Wan… 5 was Padme... or was itPalpatine? Hang on, I think Padme's 6. Let's try it..." He pressed number 6.

"Hello, this is Chancellor Palpatine."

'_Damn, wrong number,'_ "Um, hi, Palpatine."

"Anakin Skywalker! My favourite Jedi! What can I do you for?"

"Sorry, I was actually trying to get Pad- someone else, about bowling."

"Bowling? I love bowling! Drinks all around! Can I come?"

"Um, yeah, sure. It says I can take a friend."

"Oh, Anakin! I never knew you cared!"

"Um, sure. See you."

He hit the button that ended the conversation. "That was… awkward. Hm, I guess that means Padme's number 5." He hit the button.

"Hey, Padme!"

"Anakin! What the hell do you think your doing!"

"Sorry, Padme! I just wanted to tell you: I'm important! I've got an invitation of my own! I don't need to come with you! You'll have to find someone else to go with you!"

"Oh? And who are you taking?"

"Er… Palpatine."

"_Palpatine?_ You invited _the Supreme Chancellor of the Republic _to go _bowling!_"

"Actually, he invited himself."

"You mean you called him first? Before me?"

"Er, I hit the 6 instead of the 5."

"Oh, ok. Wait! I'm number 5 on your speed-dial? Who's before me?"

"Er…"

Just then, a voice was heard in the background. "Senator? Senator? Yousa here?"

"I'm on the comm, Jar Jar!"

"Whosa yousa talking to?" The Gungan peered at the comm link "Ani! Mesa so happy to see you!"

"Um, I've gotta go. See yas!" Anakin hung up.

With a sigh, Padme turned to Jar Jar. "I'm probably going to regret this later, but – can you bowl?"

* * *

So, let us know what you think!

The next chapter will be called "More Letters". We _were_ going to have it all as one chapter, but I (DragonRidingSorceress) figured five pages is long enough for the first chapter.


	2. More Letters

Chapter Two: More Letters

"Hey, Taun We," greeted Boba.

"Good day, young master Fett." The Kaminoan bowed. "I have a letter for your father."

"Ok, thanks." He held out his hand expectantly.

"I said it's for your father. Would you please let him know?"

"I'll give it to him."

"I'm afraid that won't be acceptable."

Boba studied Taun We. "I get it! You want to know what's in it!"

The Kaminoan blushed.

'_Wow,'_ thought Boba. _'Who'd have thought they turn _orange_!'_

"Kindly give this to your father," she muttered, before fleeing.

Boba, laughing quietly, shut the door.

"Dad! Letter for you!" he called.

"Probably a job offer," replied Jango. "Bring it here."

He opened the letter – _Rip!_ – and read it.

"Hm," he said. "That's odd."

"What is it, Dad?"

Jango looked at Boba. "How would you like to go bowling?"

* * *

Maul parried Qui-Gon's blow, then ducked backwards, towards the rim of the melting pit.

Suddenly, the ground seemed to slide out from under him.

"Aargh!"

His lightsabre went flying, as he stood on the edge of the pit, windmilling his arms.

Qui-Gon lunged forward – and pulled him back onto solid ground. As he pulled, a ripping sound was heard.

"Hey! You ripped my cloak!" said Maul in surprise.

"Well, so sorry!" answered Qui-Gon sarcastically. "Maybe I should have just let you fall!"

"Well, maybe you should have!"

Qui-Gon thought about this.

"Master, _why _did you just save the Sith?" asked Obi-Wan, moving forward as the laser shield dropped.

"I'm not quite sure."

Maul waved Obi-Wan to the side. "Is there something – wrong – with your master?"

Obi-Wan grimaced. "Quite probably."

Maul nodded understandingly. "Yes, I've got the same problem. Lord Sidious is – well, let's just say he's a handful."

Qui-Gon had started humming. He moved to the other side of the room and picked up Maul's lightsabre.

"What did you slip on?" Obi-Wan asked Maul, trying to ignore his master.

Maul looked around. "This," he said, swooping down on an envelope. He read the name on the front. "Qui-Gon Jinn."

"Did someone call me?"

Maul held out the letter. "This is for you."

"Yay! A letter!" He ripped it open. _Rip!_

"This Qui-Gon is crazy!" Maul said to Obi-Wan.

"Don't I know it! I'm his Padawan!"

Qui-Gon looked at Maul and Obi-Wan. "I've been invited to go bowling!" he told them.

"That's nice," Obi-Wan told him, crossing his fingers behind his back.

"I sensed that, Obi-Wan Kenobi! Just for that, I'm not taking you." He looked at Maul.

"What's your name?"

"Darth Maul," he responded, warily.

"You wanna go bowling? Please?"

'_This Jedi is crazy!'_ thought Maul. He looked at Obi-Wan, who mouthed, "Yes! Please, go with him! Otherwise, he'll make me go!"

"Yeah, alright." He then mouthed to Obi-Wan. "You owe me big-time, Padawan!"

"Sure!" replied Obi-Wan silently.

* * *

"No way! We are _not _taking the _Falcon_ through one of those commercialship-washers! I'm not letting some mechanical thing clean _my _ship!"

"It needs cleaning! Unless you'd rather get out there and do it yourself? I hear space slug goo is very hard to scrub off."

Han looked around for help. "Chewie?"

"NO WAY!" roared the Wookie. "I OWE YOU A LIFE DEBT, YES. BUT LEIA'S YOUR WIFE. SHE OUTRANKS ME BY MARRIAGE."

"Thanks for nothing. Luke?"

"Leia's just my sister. I'm not getting involved in this fight. You know you're gonna lose, Han – she's a Senator."

"Fine! We'll get the _Falcon _washed!"

He stormed off to his cabin.

Luke looked at Leia. "You better go and make it up to him – and it better be a _really _good making up. You know how much the _Falcon _means to him."

With a sigh, Leia went to the door of Han's cabin. It was locked. "Han! _Sweetheart!_"

Han opened the door."What?"

Leia kissed him passionately.

"Oh, my!" said a familiar voice. "Are we interrupting something?"

"Yes! Now get lost, 3PO! Go annoy Luke!" snapped Han

R2 rolled past behind 3PO. He let out a series of beeps that sounded incredibly like a wolf-whistle.

"R2-D2! Get away from me!" shouted Leia. "I just _can't _get rid of that droid! I sent it to Tatooine, and it _still_ came back!"

A compartment in Artoo's head opened, to reveal a boom box (complete with sub-woofer.) Suddenly, it started playing:

_"Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more. Hit the road Jack –"_

Han looked at Artoo. "You heard the Princess. Scram! We're trying to – um – _make up_ here."

Abruptly, Artoo changed songs. _"I'm saying all the things that I know you'll like, Makin' good conversation. I gotta handle you just right –"_

Luke had been listening over the intercom. "Artoo, cut that out!"

Han and Leia watched in amazement as Artoo beeped, then rolled towards the cockpit.

"How does he do it?" asked Leia.

"I don't know and I don't care. I want to show you something _I _can do."

Smiling, Luke cut the intercom.

Chewie let out a questioning moan.

"I was just making sure they didn't kill each other."

"FAIR ENOUGH."

Suddenly, the computer beeped. The words, "You Have Mail" flashed on the screen.

"Letters!" cried Luke excitedly. He hit the "Open" button. "Leia, Han – Me! I've got a letter!"

He quickly clicked on it. "Look, Chewie! An invitation! For me! Yay! I'm important!"

'_Hero of the Rebellion, sure. Childish? Definitely,' _thought Chewbacca. He realised Luke was talking to him.

"…come bowling with me?"

"YEAH, SURE, WHY NOT?"

Luke then opened Leia and Han's letters. "They got invitations, too!"

He keyed the intercom button.

A/N: What he heard was censored in order to maintain the current rating. However, we can probably all guessat what was said by Luke's response…>

"AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH! MY EARS! I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST HEARD! YOU SICKOS!"

"_Luke Anakin Skywalker!_ _What the hell_ do you _think_ you're doing? How _dare_ you turn on the intercom! You _knew_ that Han and I were – you knew what Han and I were doing! Now, what do you want?"

Luke was sitting, staring off into space, looking traumatised. Chewbacca answered for him.

"HE WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT YOU BOTH HAVE LETTERS. YOU'RE BOTH INVITED TO GO BOWLING, AND TO TAKE A FRIEND."

"Other than each other?" came Han's voice.

"IT SEEMS SO, YES."

"Alright. You can come with me, Chewie."

"SORRY. I'M GOING WITH LUKE."

"I'm taking Artoo," said Leia. "You're stuck with Threepio."

"Oh, man!" groaned Han.

A/N: For those who didn't recognise it, the 2nd song was _Let's Get Physical_.>

* * *

Meanwhile… hey, it's the meanwhile guy again. Where have you been? We've had lots of opportunities for a "meanwhile", and you just weren't there.

Sorry, guys. I was on my coffee break and the machine broke, just as my cup was half full. Then it put all this extra milk in to compensate but it's just not the same. So I had to press the 'more sugar' button, but it was out of sugar, so I had to go refill the thing. Well, you know those big companies; I had to fill out a form, to allow me to fill out another form, which requested I be allowed to use the special pen to sign the "I need more sugar" form. But then the pen ran out of ink, so another 20 forms later, I had my sugar, but there was a line for the coffee machine. So I had to wait for 14 other people to recharge their caffeine levels, before I got my coffee shot. Anyone who tells you this job is easy deserves to be shot…

Any way: MEANWHILE, at the Annual Lords of Darkness/ Model Aeroplane Convention:

At one end of the convention centre, the walls were hung in sombre black hangings and posters with the slogan, "If we can't do it, it's not evil!" All the major Dark Lords were there: Voldemort, Sauron, Satan, The School Principal… At the other end, model aeroplanes whizzed through the air, and science geeks from around the universe had gathered to compare their dorky brilliance to millions of other species. Not surprisingly, the major race in attendance was humans; well, they did invent the nose plug and the plus fours.

"All I want to know is why we couldn't have our own convention. I mean, we practically own the universe. Can't we afford our own convention?" complained Darth Vader.

"You know about the new budget cuts, it's a miracle that we can even afford to pay the performers."

"You mean the comedians? I think we wasted the money." Just then one of the comedians began his act.

"So, after eating at a milk bar, when does Yoda know when to go to the toilet?

WHEN HE FEELS A FORCE!..." The young comedian pulled out a pair of fake ears and began a Yoda impersonation. "Hm….Yogurty, I am."

An eerie silence fell on the whole convention

"That was terrible" said Vader, as he raised his hand and used the force to hold the comedian up by the throat.

"That _probably_ wasn't the best joke to do with Helmet-Head here" remarked Dooku, pointing towards Vader.

Soon afterwards, there were reports of a comedian flying around with the model aeroplanes.

"Hee hee hee….I always liked flying," commented Vader.

"Grow up! If Sidious were here -!"

"But he's not…some sort of emergency...disembowelling? No, that wasn't it… Now what was it?"

Just before Dooku did something harmful to Vader that involved a lightsaber and several sharp sticks, someone tapped Dooku on the shoulder.

"You've got mail. You've got mail. You've got mail!" whispered someone.

Dooku jumped. His jumbo-sized, molten-plasma martini flew into the air… it went wayyyyy up, up, up… and then came right down on the delivery guy.

Spluttering bravely, he said, "I have a package from the InterGalactic Supply Company for one Mr X – or is that a V?" He squinted at the package. "Damn, the ink ran."

"Hey, my name Vader…is it for me?"

"Dunno. Could be. Sign here, and here, and there, and over here, oh and don't forget right there," said the delivery guy. After the multiple signatures had been signed, the delivery guy went to see one of the _How to Kill a Human in Ten Ways_ show.

Unfortunately, he was the volunteer.

"Open it, _Mr V_," Dooku said smugly.

"Shut it, or I'll shut it the painful way," replied Vader.

"Which is…?" asked Dooku.

"It involves a lightsaber and several sharp sticks…oh and a miniature poodle"

"I had you till the poodle" said Dooku, trying to imagine what a poodle had to do with it.

"Most people do," replied Vader.

"Just open it, Helmet-Head!" snapped Dooku.

"Well fine…don't rush me, this is the first mail I have gotten in a really long time, and I want to savour it. Somebody put the pretty pink bow on for a reason, you know!" said Vader.

Vader stared at the package for half an hour, and then took a snap shot with his compact.

"What the heck is that for?" asked Dooku.

"I want proof that someone cares about me; after Padme died, nobody ever sent me anything. I may be a Dark Lord of the Sith, but I have feelings too!" cried Vader.

"Get a grip, man!" said Dooku.

Vader held out a book. The title read: _The Guide to Becoming a New-Aged Man: For Dummies and Dark Lords_.

"It helps me express and understand my emotions," he explained.

"Err. Right. How about that package?" asked Dooku.

Vader raised his hand and used the force to tear open the package.

_RIP! _

"Look what I got, hang on I'll try it on" said Vader excitedly. He turned around to show Dooku.

"What the heck…" stammered Dooku. Vader was dressed in a fluffy, fluoro pink apron with the name 'BEN' embroidered on the front. He also had a pink novelty crown on his helmet, and was wearing something that looked suspiciously like a pearl necklace.

"Do you like it? I really think pink is my colour. Hey look, there's a letter."

_RIP!_

Vader began reading. "Thought you might lose the first invitation, so here is another. Yadda yadda yadda… Come bowling! Douby douby douby …Bring a friend? By the way, keep searching for that rainbow, you're here and queer, get used to it!"

"Do you think we got someone else's mail? Should we send it back?" asked Dooku.

"Who cares, we're going bowling!"

"So, are your going to return the …um… _outfit_ to its rightful owner?" questioned Dooku.

"Um… No. We're evil Sith, we don't return lost mail. Besides, I sort of like it," said Vader.

"You're a little…oh, never mind, wear the damn thing! I don't care. I just think it doesn't look very… professional," stated Dooku.

"With a pair of heels, this could look very classy. You know, I'm sort of glad I came to this convention. I feel like a whole new man; maybe evil isn't the only path? What it if I become good again? I mean, it would cut costs on making the other movies," said Vader. He twirled around and began skipping down the convention's isle. To everyone's surprise, he began singing. "I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gay!

It was never clearer that Vader was chosen by fate, and that fate isn't a fan of karaoke, because as he happily danced through the displays, a wayward plane came in for a landing and scored a direct hit to his breathing mask. "What the …hohhh...I can't… hohh… breath… hohhh… damn…" Vader fainted, but came around soon after.

"See, Vader? The world hates you and always will. It's easier to be evil. Now, who wants to go maim and pillage the model airplane stands and the geeks within them? Then we can go bowling," suggested Dooku.

Quite firmly back on the Dark Side, Vader nodded. "And to think, I used to love flying."

* * *

A/N: Next chapter: the _First Arrivals_ at the bowling alley!

Let us know what you think of the strange, cross-dimensional thing. We hope it will make the bowling all the funnier!

ALSO: If we get more than 100 reviews for this story, there WILL BE a SPECIAL SURPRISE!


	3. The Journeys Part 1

Chapter 3: The Journeys Part 1

A/N: The _Home and Away _reference is in honour of certain friends of ours. Here you go. Do you feel honoured?

Oh, and I just want to say, sorry for the wrong note at the end of the last chapter. I underestimated the time and space it would take for the journeys.

* * *

"Are you sure it'll be alright, Ani?"

"It'll be fine, Padme!"

"But no-one's supposed to know we're married! Going out together is a giveaway!"

"Don't worry. We're taking the Supreme Chancellor with us. No-one will suspect a thing."

Padme frowned. "If you're sure. I still don't like it."

Just then, Palpatine came out onto the docking platform. "Are we ready to go?"

"Almost," said Padme. "We're just waiting on J-"

The words hadn't even made it out of her mouth, when the Gungan in question came running out of the building – straight into Palpatine.

_CRASH!_

They fell onto the pile of bags.

"OMG!" shouted Padme, running over to them. "My _Home and Away: Season 1_ Limited Edition DVD! It's in there! You'll have squashed it!"

Anakin caught her around the waist. "It's ok, Padme. I'm sure it's fine."

Padme glared. "That mind trick won't work on me, Anakin Skywalker!"

Anakin looked bewildered. "I wasn't using a mind trick! I didn't even _think _about using a mind trick!"

Palpatine stood up. "I'm terribly sorry, Padme. But your DVD is probably fine. You really don't need to worry. Now, let's all get on the ship, and let's get going."

Padme blinked. She felt like obeying… "Alright."

Palpatine smiled. It was so easy! He just took his anger at that stupid Gungan and redirected it into a "mind trick". Which reminded him… the Gungan…

The Gungan was already scrambling aboard, leaving Anakin and Palpatine outside with the bags. Ok, maybe he wasn't _quite _that stupid… Palpatine hurried after, leaving Anakin with the bags.

With a sigh, Anakin lifted the bags with the Force and brought them on board.

-

They'd been driving along for a little while, when Padme remarked, "Jar Jar, you've been awfully quiet. I'll probably regret asking this later, but what's wrong?"

The Gungan opened his mouth, displaying his long tongue – tied up in knots.

"Oh my god! Someone tied Jar Jar's tongue up!"

"You do know what this means, don't you?" asked Palpatine.

"What?" asked Padme. Then she realised what he'd say. "Oh, no! God, no! Don't say it –"

"He's _tongue-tied_!"

Everyone groaned.

"Who did it, Jar Jar?" Anakin asked.

Jar Jar gave him a hate-filled glare.

"What? What did I say?"

"You asked him a question, and he can't answer you."

"Oh. Yeah, that would be a problem, wouldn't it?"

"Sarcasm isn't becoming in a Jedi," Padme told him.

"I'm not being sarcastic!"

"Children!" interrupted Palpatine, "don't you think we should untie Jar Jar's tongue?"

"No!" shouted Anakin.

"But don't you want him to answer your question?"

Anakin blinked. "Yeah, I spose. Go ahead."

Palpatine looked offended. "I'm not touching his tongue! That's disgusting!"

"Bags not doing it!"

Everyone looked at Padme. She sighed. "So much for 'The Hero with No Fear' and 'Our Noble Chancellor'," she muttered.

After a time of intense frustration – they were _really _complex knots – she finished untying Jar Jar's tongue.

"All right, I'm finished. Now, I'm going to go and wash my hands. You are _not _to start questioning him until I get back."

"Who did it, Jar Jar?"

"Senator tell mesa spake nutting!"

"Oh, really?" There was an evil glint in Anakin's eyes. "Well, I outrank Padme by a lightsabre."

Jar Jar gulped. "No, mesa spake nutting."

Anakin ignited his lightsabre.

"Anakin Skywalker! Put that away _immediately!_"

"Unbelievable. How could she hear that?"

Palpatine pointed to a blinking light on the console. "She has the intercom on."

"Oh."

When Padme eventually came out of the 'fresher, she made everyone sit down. "Ok, Jar Jar, tell us who did it?"

"Yeah," said Anakin. "I want to reward them!"

"Mesa no know. Mesa fell sleep, den mesa wake up, and mesa tongue lika dis."

"So, you have no idea who did this?" asked Padme. Anakin looked bitterly disappointed.

"Mesa tink, it da Sith!"

"I doubt it was the Sith," Palpatine told Jar Jar. _'As a matter of fact, I know for certain it wasn't.'_

"If it _was _the Sith," said Anakin, "then I'd join them, just for that!"

'_God,'_ thought Palpatine, _'If I'd known that was all it would take, I _would_ have done it!'

* * *

_

"Wesa dare yet?" asked Jar Jar.

No one answered.

"Wesa dare yet?"

"Wesa dare yet?"

"Wesa –"

"I've got an idea," said Padme. "Let's play 'I Spy'!"

"Yay! Mesa luv 'My Spy'!"

So Padme and Jar Jar began playing 'I Spy'. Padme picked Palpatine. Then Jar Jar picked 'stars'. Padme picked Anakin. Jar Jar picked 'stars' again. Padme picked the pilot's console. Jar Jar picked –

"Stars!" said everyone.

"Hey! Mesa no pick letters yet! But no. Why yousa tink dat? Mesa gonna say 'petrol station'.

"Oh, alleluia!" muttered Anakin, pulling into the driveway. "Hey, Jar Jar, wanna come and help me fill up the tank?"

"Sure!"

Anakin filled up and paid, with Jar Jar just standing next to him, doing nothing. Then they went back to the ship. "Where's Padme?"

"She went to the 'fresher." said Palpatine.

"But there's a 'fresher on the ship!" protested Anakin.

Palpatine shrugged. "Women are strange. What can I say?"

"Hey, Jar Jar?"

"Ya?"

"Can you do something for me?"

"Sure! Mesa ver happy too, Ani!"

"Alright. Could you go and stand over there?" he pointed to a Dry Ice machine at the side of the building.

"Why?"

"I want you to watch for Padme."

"Okeyday!"

As Jar Jar moved away, Palpatine said, "But, Anakin, the ladies' are on the other side of the building."

"I know."

* * *

Padme got back onto the ship. "Ok, we can go now!"

They took off.

She sat down, and looked around. "Where's Jar Jar?"

* * *

Leia was piloting the _Falcon_. Over Han's protests.

"Please, Princess, just let me drive!"

"No. I want to drive. You and Chewie always drive. It's my turn!"

Luke hissed to Artoo, "Quick, plug into the computer and see if there's _anything _we can use as a distraction!"

Artoo beeped, and plugged himself in. After a short time, he whistled.

Luke looked at him expectantly. "What did you find?"

A couple of sheets of paper dropped out ofa randomprinter. Luke picked them up, and whistled appreciatively. "Not exactly what I meant, Artoo, but pretty damn distracting!"

"I feel I must point out that I doubt Mistress Leia would find them pleasant," said Threepio.

"Good point. Now, for real, Artoo."

The astromech searched for a minute, then beeped.

"He says there's a petrol station coming up soon."

"Perfect! Hey, Leia! Can we stop soon! I want to eat!

"There's food in the galley!"

"Last time I ate that food I was stuck in the fresher for half a day! You know Han doesn't check the 'use by' dates!"

Leia sighed. "Fine! I can see a petrol station ahead. We can stop there!"

* * *

Leia was about to bite into a meat pie when someone grabbed her, making her drop it.

"Senator!" squealed an annoying voice. "Mesa _so _glad to see yousa! Mesa tinking yousa leave mesa behind!"

She turned to see a Gungan. "Can I help you?" she asked in icy tones.

He shrank back in fear. "Mesa sorry. Mesa thought yousa mesa friend, Senator Amidala."

Leia immediately felt pity for the pathetic thing in front of her. "Where were you going?"

"Wesa gonna bowling!"

"So are we. We could take you, and meet them there."

"Yousa would? Oh, mesa be moi moi grateful!"

Leia patted the seat beside her. "Have a seat. I'm Leia."

* * *

Han and Luke came in from refuelling the Falcon. They saw Leia talking to Jar Jar.

"Why do I get the feeling we've picked up another pathetic life form?" Luke asked randomly. Then he frowned. "That's not my line! That's somebody else's!"

"Who's this, Leia?" asked Han.

Leia smiled. "This is Jar Jar Binks. He's going to be coming with us to the bowling parlour." She stood. "Now, you two can entertain yourself. I'm going to get changed. This outfit has a pie stain on it."

"Ok, Princess."

Han sat down. Luke was already sitting.

Suddenly Han jumped up. "Oh, no!"

"What's wrong, Han?"

"Leia let me pack… Oh, crap!"

Luke was beginning to feel alarmed. "What is it?"

Han leaned close to his friend. "You know that little gold bikini she wore in Episode 6? I packed that."

Luke's eyes widened in horror. "She's gonna kill you!"

* * *

"Do we _have _to go back, Padme?"

"Yes, Anakin. We do."

Anakin sighed. "_Why _did you have to use the fresher there? There's one on the ship!"

Padme just shrugged. _'Yeah, like I'm gonna tell _you _I was doing a pregnancy test.'_

"Do we _really _need to go back?"

"Yes, Anakin. I left my handbag there."

* * *

**And here, dear readers, we will leave your for now.**


	4. The Journeys Part 2

The Journeys Part 2

**Yes, we're still going!**

**Due to maddymouse's concerns, we felt we should add another disclaimer: If you see something that you own, then good for you, cause we don't own anything except the crazy premise ofthis story. However, if you're willing to trade for DRS's little brother…

* * *

**

Meanwhile, at the parking lot of Coruscant…

**HOLD IT, Meanwhile guy! _STAR WARS _LANGUAGE, PLEASE! Besides, it makes no sense for a planet to have only one parking lot.**

Ok! Ok! At the _space docks _of the Coruscant…

There was an argument going on.

"Drive, I will."

"The only thing you can drive is drive me crazy!"

"Make sense that did not."

"It made more sense than the way you talk!"

"Offended I am not. Childish you are, baldy!" Yoda then proceeded to stick his tongue out at Master Windu.

"You haven't driven in 500 years!"

"My floating platform I drive!"

"There are continents that move faster than that thing!"

The clone trooper, who had been standing off to one side, stepped forward. "Now, Masters, please calm yourselves and-"

"He can't even reach the pedals!" shouted a peeved Mace. "And _it's my ship! _I had my bro pimp it! Look at the _bling!_ My beautiful bling!"

"I – I'm sure Master Yoda can manage not to damage the paintwork –" said the clone backing away.

There was a crash as Yoda walked into a door.

A little boy with a Kiwi accent tugged at his father's hand. "Look, Dad! You're not the only one!"

"Hm, I didn't see door there. Maybe my eyesight's going," muttered Yoda.

There was a shocked silence.

"Are you alright, Master Yoda?"

"Who is Master Yoda? I am –" he glanced around, and saw a crate. "I'm 'This Side Up'."

Mace had an idea. Waving his hand in front of Yoda's face, he told him, "You are not 'This Side Up'."

"I am not 'This Side Up'."

"You are Yoda, Grand Master of the Jedi Order."

"I am Yoda, Grand Master of Jedi Order."

"You are annoying, green and ancient."

"I am annoying, green and ancient."

"You will not drive my pimpin' ship."

"I will not drive yourpimpin'ship."

"Alright! Your memorieshave returned."

"My memories have returned." Yoda shook his head. "I just had the weirdest dream…"

"Okay, let's go," said Mace.

The clone cleared his throat. "Ahem. Master Mace, haven't you forgotten - " He began choking

"Are you alright?" Yoda asked theviolently coughingclone,who began gesturing wildly at Mace.

Mace was holding his hand out, clenched in a fist. His eyes were turning an alarming yellow colour.

Yoda hit him with his walking stick. "Stop that! He's trying to say something."

The clone trooper rubbed his sore neck. "You've forgotten something, Master Mace."

"Do you want another dose of whoop-ass?"

"Master Kenobi! Help! He's trying to kill me!"

Obi-Wan dropped the peacock blue dress he had been holding against his body, and raced over to the clone. "It's ok, Cody. I won't let the mean old bald man hurt you," he said, placing his hand suggestively on the back ofthe clone'sneck. He was thinking to himself, _'I love a man in uniform…'_

Yoda smiled. "It's so good to see the younglings getting along so well these days."

Obi-Wan had been visualising Cody _without _his uniform on, when Yoda's words registered. Or rather, his word order registered. He gaped. "Master Mace…" he whispered, staring at the small green Jedi, "fix Master Yoda. Please. I don't think I can cope…"

"Just for you, Obi-Wan," said Mace, fluttering his eyelashes. He turned to Yoda. "You will speak irritatingly in reverse."

"In reverse irritatingly I will speak."

Obi-Wan frowned. "I thought that only worked on the weak-minded?"

"In case you haven't notice, Yoda's 800 and something years old. He's going senile."

"Senile I am not!"

"That's what you think," Mace muttered rebelliously under his breath.

"Heard that, I did."

"Because of your huge ears!"

Yoda ran crying into the Ladies bathroom.

The clone turned to Obi-Wan. "Master Kenobi, will you pilot the ship? You're the only one left who's even partly sane!"

Obi-Wan blushed with happiness. "Oh, Cody, you're just saying that!"

Taken aback, and beginning to regret his decision, the clone took Obi-Wan by the arm. "Ok, General, let's just get you on the ship…"

"I'll go anywhere you ask, Cody…"

Yoda fell through the bathroom door, screaming. "Sorry, I am! The sign I did not see! Hit me do not!"

His assailant came into view. It was an old woman with a little yellow bird sitting on her shoulder.

"Get him, Granny!" barracked the bird.

"You bet I will, Tweety!" She caught him with her umbrella handle and yanked him back into the bathroom.

"Should we go help him?" Obi-Wan asked Mace.

"Nah. He's a Grand Master. I'm sure he can handle a little old lady."

"If you say so, Master." He went inside to get familiar with the ship's controls – and with Commander Cody.

The previously mentioned Kiwi kid and his father approached Mace with a bunch of flowers. "Do you mind if we hitch a ride with you?" he asked, holding them out.

"For me?" asked Mace, taking the flowers. "That's so nice! Sure you can come with us."

"That was easier than I expected," Jango muttered to Boba.

Yoda stumbled out of the bathroom, followed by Tweety. The small bird was clenching his eyes closed. "I've seen puddy tats – and dat weren't a puddy tat! I did _not_ wanna see dat!"

Yoda appeared dazed. There were lipstick marks on his… _face_.

Mace grinned. "Well, you certainly _handled _her, Master."

"Your cake hole shut," Yoda muttered without much enthusiasm. He seemed distracted…

"Alright, Master. Let's get you on the ship."

As Obi-Wan took off, he turned to Yoda. "Is that _Antique Nude_ lipstick?"

**And here, dear readers, we will leave these poor, poor characters suffering from the infliction of our storyline. And, to sooth your cringing souls, we will go to another set of characters.**

**We feel your pain. We _enjoy _it. Mwa ha ha! Mwa ha ha ha cough cough… Sorry, popcorn...

* * *

**

Somewhere else in the galaxy…

**Sorry, the Meanwhile guy's on coffee break… apparently someone switched the caf and decaf… DRS glares at maddymouse. "What? It wasn't me!"**

Qui-Gon looked dubiously at Maul. "Are you sure this thing's capable of interstellar transport?"

"Would I lie to you? Wait, don't answer that." Maul looked around for a distraction. "Where'd your padawan go?"

Qui-Gon shrugged. "He said something about joining the celebrations… said something about Sabe offering to show him around…"

Maul looked at Qui-Gon. The naïve Jedi master apparently had no idea what his padawan would get up to in his absence. "Ri-ight…"

Qui-Gon returned his attention to Maul's... craft.

"Don't you have a spaceship?"

Maul shuffled his feet. "It's in for repairs. I had a collision with some Kiwi… they can't drive for sheep!

Qui-Gon (and probably many of our American readers) completely missed the cultural slur. He nodded. "If you say so." He turned his gaze back to Maul's bike.

"Ok, two things: How do I breathe, and where do I sit?"

"Oh, no problem." Maul tapped the side, and a sidecar popped out.

"You're rather practised at that, aren't you?"

"Well, Master Sidious likes to – forget I said that." Maul absent-mindedly flicked his hand.

"I forget you said that."

Maul looked at him. "Ri-ight. Hop in."

The extremely tall Jedi master was forced to hike his – skirts? Robe? – up, and pull his knees up under his chin. He found himself thinking, _'Force, I love my pants. Force, I love my pants. Force…'_

"Ok, so how do we breathe in space?"

Maul pressed a large red button marked with the label _Do Not Press! _A flap popped up on the back of the bike. He began to rummage through the contents of the compartment. Qui-Gon was sure he saw a _Home and Away _DVD. And that looked suspiciously like a rubber duck…

"Ah, found it!" said Maul, slamming the compartment closed. He triumphantly held up –

- a bubble-blower.

Qui-Gon looked at it dubiously. "_That _is going to protect us from meteors, radiation, the vacuum, attacks by hostile forces, and everything else we may encounter in space?"

Maul shrugged. "It has a six-star safety rating."

"Six out of what?"

"Ten, of course."

"Um, that's not that great."

Maul waved his hand. "You won't worry about it."

"I won't worry about it."

"Here, you can wear this helmet as well. That'll make you safe."

Qui-Gon looked at the helmet. "It's got holes in it. Are you trying to kill me?"

"Would I do that? Don't answer that.I just forgot you don't have horns. Here, we can use some corks."

"Where'd you get _corks_ from?"

"Only Jedi don't drink."

"Who says we don't drink?"

"Isn't that part of your Code?"

"I've always thought the Code is more… _guidelines _then actually _rules_."

Thinking _'Bowling may be more fun than I'd thought,' _Maul began to blow a bubble around the bike.

**So, the Jedi and the Sith blasted off into the sunset – wait, it's not sunset… into the sun… ok, that's not gonna work either… we like Qui-Gon too much to make him burn up. Alright, they've blasted off. Next torture victims!**

**What? That's it for this chapter? Fine!**

**DRS: My apologies for the decline in humour in the last chapter. We hope this one makes up for it.**

**Why not let us know if it does or not? Simply hit the little blue _Go _button beside the box which says _Submit Review_ down in the corner.**

**Come on, you know you want to...**


	5. The Journeys Part 3

The Journeys Part 3

**MM: GODDAMMIT! AGAIN! WE LOST THE FILE AGAIN!**

**DRS: Calm, Maddy. Calmness and breathing.**

**MM: Shaddup. I can panic if I want to.**

**DRS: We –**

**MM: How could you lose the file? AGAIN? We'd already lost it once, and now you've lost it for a second time!**

**DRS: We –**

**MM: I'm not talking to you. Except to write this chapter.**

**DRS: Oh, don't worry, Maddy. I'm still going to beat you at Battlefront. Now, Readers, we have somehow managed to lose the –**

**MM: YOU have somehow managed to lose the file. It's not on MY computer!**

**DRS: Didn't I email you a copy?**

**MM: No.**

**DRS: Oh. Well, anyway, the file is lost, so we have to start again.**

**MM: But it's never as funny the third time!**

**DRS: I thought you weren't talking to me.**

**MM: Shaddup. Once upon a time, Draco Malfoy was wearing a sexy, hot piece of leather and…**

**DRS: Maddy, two things: One, this is currently a _T rated _story. Two, this is a _Star Wars _story.**

**MM: Oh, right… shaddup. Once upon a time, Obi-Wan Kenobi was…**

**DRS: What part of _T rated _didn't you understand?**

**MM: Fine. Get on with the story.**

**-**

A police-being was sitting all alone in his police car.

**DRS: Police BEING?**

**MM: Well, I don't have my glasses on. I can't see it.**

**DRS: Oh, yes. News flash, readers! Maddy has glasses now! We've been trying to tell her to get new ones, but she wouldn't listen to us.**

**MM: Story!**

He turned on his radio.

"_One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do…"_

He changed the channel.

"_I just don't know what to do myself. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm so used to doing everything with you, Planning everything for two…"_

He changed the channel again.

"_All by myself. Don't wanna be…"_

Once again, he changed the channel.

"_Something's missing in my life. Maybe it's you. Maybe it's you and me…"_

He was about to give up in disgust, but decided to try one more channel.

"_At first I was afraid, I was petrified. Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side. But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong, and I grew strong. I learned how to get along. So you're back, from outer space…"_

The cop started to sway. He started to bop. He grinned. Maybe being dumped, having his cat stolen, being stranded on an outer rim asteroid and having his wife trying to kill him weren't so bad. He could get a promotion. He could get Gizmo (his cat) back. He could…

"…_Just feeling sorry for myself. I used to cry, But now I hold my –"_

"Hold your what?" The song was abruptly cut off by a USO. (No, we don't mean Undercover Special Operations – we might have been paid more not to mention it. Nor do we mean Unique Sink Orientation. We don't even know what that means. We mean an Unidentified Speeding Object.) It was unidentified, and travelling fast enough to rip the aerial off the ship of a cop who was on the brink of an epiphany.

**DRS: Who taught you the word epiphany? That's an awfully long word for you, Maddy.**

**MM: Thanks. Thanks a lot, Jess. I love you too. Totally platonic, of course.**

**DRS: Who taught you the word platonic? That's an awfully –**

**MM: Shaddup.**

An almost enlightened cop had recently become pissed at a USO, which the reader may have guess, contained a petrified Sith and a slightly crazed Jedi. No, wait, other way around. A petrified Jedi and a slightly crazed Sith.

Well, it was Maul and Qui-Gon, anyway.

* * *

"Hey, look, Qui, there's a cop on our tail." 

"We don't have tails."

"Qui-Gon, you're an idiot."

Qui-Gon turned, and started waving at the police ship. Maul caught his hand.

"What are you doing? Don't wave to him! I've got to get rid of some… um, _contraband_."

"What?" Qui-Gon began to freak out. "Drugs? Porn? Mmm…chocolate."

Maul looked at Qui-Gon with a sickened look on his face. "Your mind works in an odd way. An odd, and disgurbing way."

"Disgurbing?"

"I started saying disgusting, then changed to disturbing."

"Ah, right."

Maul opened a secret compartment and began throwing things out of the ship. Qui-Gon saw a pink dress (a doll's dress, you sickos!), a rubber duck, and a number of other "girly" things.

Maul picked out his "Home and Away" DVD and looked at it. He realised he didn't have the heart to throw it away. He caressed it, then put it back.

Qui-Gon was trying to see over Maul's shoulder. "Hey, is that a cat? Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!"

A small, tortoise-shell kitten with white paws scampered out, and jumped into Qui-Gon's arms.

"Aw, it's so cute! I wanna call it 'Hagar the Horrible'!"

Maul couldn't decide if he was disgusted or scared.

**MM: He was all three! What?**

"That's dreadful! No one would _ever _use that name! Besides, it already has a name tag."

Qui-Gon looked at the little love-heart shaped name tag. "Gizmo. I've heard a song about a Gizmo…"

Maul gave him a death glare. "Shut up and pet the cat."

The police-being had by now caught up to them. He requested they wind their window down. Somehow, Maul actually did this. We're not sure how. He's a clever boy.

"Were you aware that you were speeding?" asked the annoyed officer.

"We weren't speeding," Maul replied, waving his hand.

"You weren't speeding."

"This is all a waste of time."

"This is all a waste of time. I'm going to give you a ticket for wasting a police officer's time."

Maul's scream of rage attracted Qui-Gon's attention. "What's going on?"

The police officer saw the cat in Qui-Gon's arms. "Gizmo?"

The cat looked up. A deep (Darth Vader) voice rang out. "Daddy!"

**DRS: So, we'll leave Qui-Gon and Maul here to ponder the weirdness, and move on to the _Millennium Falcon._**

"Whosa are yousa?"

"I am C3PO, human-cyborg relations."

"Yousa moi moi shiny meckaneek! Mesa Jar Jar Binks. Mesa think mesa knows yousa."

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

Jar Jar began raising his voice, and speaking very slowly. "Mesa Jar Jar Binks." He thought the droid must be malfunctioning.

Leia walked back into the Main Hold. "Threepio, stop annoying Jar Jar."

"Annoying? This amphibious creature is annoying _me_. And I can't understand a word he's saying!"

Leia looked at the droid in disbelief. "I thought you knew six million forms of communication."

"I do," he replied.

"Well, what's the problem, then? He's speaking a variation of Basic."

"Mistress Leia, I know Basic, and that is not Basic."

"My spaken Gunganese. Isa like Basic."

Han followed Leia. "Honestly, Froggy, you're almost more annoying than Goldenrod!"

Jar Jar protested, "Mesa no French!" at the same time as Leia hit Han, telling him, "Don't be so insensitive!" Leia then stormed off in the direction of the cockpit.

"Thanks a lot, Goldenrod, Froggy! This is all your fault!" He hurried after Leia.

C3PO chucks a huff. "That's not Basic. I would recognise Basic!" Then he tried to put his hands on his hips, but he only succeeded in creating a "tea-pot" effect, enhanced by the steam coming out of the top of his head. Like the Tinman from Oz. Following Leia's suit, he stormed off into the cockpit.

Jar Jar suddenly saw something which interested him. The Holo-Chess board. He wandered over, and began randomly pressing buttons. The game commenced, but the pieces took an instant dislike to him. They swarmed off the board and began to gang-bash the Gungan.

As this strange phenomenon was occurring, another strange phenomenon was occurring in full view of the other occupants of the Falcon.

Chewie saw something floating though space. It looked like an enchanted Earth pirate compass, or a small asteroid.

Luke, not the brightest, but a good lad, took notice of his rantings. "What is it, boy? Is Timmy in the well?"

Han, who was "apologising" to Leia, also heard Chewie. "Shut up, would you, you great walking carpet!"

Just then, Leia saw something else. "What's that?"

Han looked. "Is it a Klingon bird of prey?"

Chewie began to bang his head on the console.

Threepio looked. "Is it some method of transport similar to a plane?"

Chewie began to bash his head against Artoo. Luke scolded him. "Chewie, don't. You'll damage him more."

Artoo beeped indignantly. _"What do you mean, damage me _more_?"_

Luke answered, "What do you mean, 'What do you mean…'?"

Artoo, sick of being bashed against a hard Wookie skull and insulted by a young Jedi, zapped said Wookie and Jedi. Both collapsed onto the floor.

Leia cleared her throat. "Boys! We were trying to work out that the thing outside was… _an undead monkey_?"

They all looked at the monkey. The monkey waved, then breast-stroked towards the compass. Or asteroid. Don't forget, it could be just an asteroid, not Captain Jack Sparrow's compass at all.

Of all the stunned crew, only Han heard the sounds of Jar Jar being beaten up by the chess pieces. After much deliberation, he went to rescue the hapless Gungan.

As he helped Jar Jar to his feet after pressing the clearly marked "off" button, the Gungan threw his arms around Han. "Tank yu. Yousa save mesa life! Mesa owe yousa life-debt!"

Han pushed him away. "I don't want another life-debt! One is hard enough to handle! That Wookie is even more over-protective than Luke's aunt and uncle!"

"But Mesa yous humbule servant!"

An evil thought sprung to life in Han's mind. _I could – Oh, no, it's gone. No, wait! I got it!_ A lightbulb lit above Han's head with a 'ding!'. _He can work in the galley! He can't be a worse cook than Leia!_ "Alright, Jar Jar. You can work in the galley."

"Yay! Mesa luv cooken! Mesa luv yous!"

Leia walked in in time to see Jar Jar hugging Han, and heard his final exclaimation. She dropped the pot of caf she was carrying and burst into tears. "Han! I can't believe you're cheating on me with Froggy! You two-timing nerf-herder!" She ran off.

"Leia, sweetie! You've got it all wrong!" Pushing Jar Jar off him, he tried to follow, but slipped on the spilt caf.

Threepio walked in. "Oh, my, am I interuppting something?"

Han glared at the droid. "Goldenrod," he growled, "you had better have an _excellent _reason for speaking to me."

Threepio sounded almost smug as he informed Han, "We will be arriving at our destination in approximately 30 point 2 minutes."

Jar Jar smiled at the droid. "That no sound apparoxy-ment. Okiday. My goen to da galley now! My goen make a _special_ foosa for yousa!"

* * *

Palpatine and Anakin were both feeling quite happy. At the point of the timeline from which we kidnapped them,(sometime during the Clone Wars) this was not common. 

The reason that they were so happy was also the reason why Padme was ruining her beautifully manicured nails.

Palpatine and Anakin shared a toast – the fifth that night. After draining his shot glass, Palpatine took Padme's hands in his.

"My dear child, it appears our friend, Representative Jinx (Anakin muttered, "He is a jinx.") – I mean, Brinks (Anakin: "He drives be to the brink of insanity.") – I mean, Binks, has left us indefinately."

Tears sprang to her eyes, and she asked, "He's dead?"

Anakin: "If only…"

Palpatine, while sharing Anakin's sentiment, was more realistic. "No, my dear. It is more likely that he found transport back to that dinky little planet he came from." Realising he'd just called his (supposed) and Padme's home planet "dinky", he quickly recovered. "I mean, to beautiful Naboo. Of course." He let out a little nervous laugh.

Anakin rolled his eyes, and stood. He bowed before Padme. "Milady, I'm sure he would have hitch-hiked to the bowling alley. (Thinking: _Jar Jar wouldn't miss this chance to annoy me._) I expect we will meet him there. Now, we should leave, or we'll be late."

Padme and Palpatine agreed, and they walked outside. When they were halfway between the exit and their ship, Anakin saw something that made his heart stop. _No, it can't be… Surely it's not… Yes, it is! Obi-Wan followed me here! And not only that, he's brought half the council, clones, and a bounty hunter! I must be in real trouble now!_

He placed a hand on the backs of Padme and Palpatine. Leaning down, he whispered, "Don't look around, don't talk, don't start running. Just walk straight to the ship, and whatever you do, don't say anyone's name!"

"Why not, Anakin?" asked Padme, turning to face him. Anakin froze, praying to the Force that Obi-Wan wouldn't hear or see her.

His prayers were answered. _Obi-Wan _didn't hear anything.

Mace looked around. "Kenobi, did I just hear your Padawan's name?"

"Anakin? Where?"

"Young Skywalker is in pain… terrible pain," muttered Yoda. Everyone ignored him.

Cody was the first to spot Anakin, Padme, and Palpatine. "Isn't that Skywalker there?"

Anakin sighed. He knew the game was up. His only hope was to throw himself on their mercy.

"Masters." He bowed. "It wasn't me, I swear! I never touched your underwear draw, Obi-Wan! And the banthas? They were there already, honest! And I didn't do anything to the blue milk in the mess room!"

"What _are _you talking about, Skywalker?" Mace asked.

Obi-Wan let the words register. "What did you do to my underwear, Anakin?"

Anakin was thinking, _Don't you mean lingerie?_

Palpatine stepped forward. "Masters Jedi, so good to see you again. Anakin is escorting myself and Senator Amidala to a function at the bowling alley."

Cody eagerly volunteered the information, "Well, what a coincidence! We're going bowling, too! Maybe we can all travel together."

Obi-Wan fluttered his eyelashes at the clone. "If you want to, Cody, than that's what we'll do!"

Cody thought to himself, _Maybe I can use this to my advantage…_

With no options but to indulge the two over-enthusiastic men, or stick them with lightsabres, which would be too messy, they all left together for the bowling alley.

As they flew off, Padme thought to herself, _I can't wait for a nice, uneventful game of bowling…_

**And here, dear readers, is where we will leave you. Just know that there are two and a half authors sitting at the computer, laughing at Padme's naivety.**

**Yes, two and half. DRS's little brother, who will go by the name "Eon Master", is reading over our collective shoulders, trying to get a turn on the computer.**

**Also, we're fairly sure this is the longest chapter either of us has ever written. Please, let us know if this is good, or if this is mostly just babble.**


	6. The Arrivals

The Arrivals

**MM: Finally.**

**DRS: Shut up.**

**MM: Sorry for not updating in so long. How long has it been?**

**DRS: Too long.**

**MM: I just want to say, it's all DRS's fault.**

**DRS: What? It is not! You shouldn't live so far away!**

**MM: But this is the only computer our humour works on!**

**DRS stares at MM as she strokes the computer**

**DRS: Right… well, back to the story.**

**MM: We won't keep you a moment longer –**

**DRS: Shut up.

* * *

Looming ahead, stark grey against the velvet backdrop of space floated an ominous spherical shape. It rotated slowly, revealing a circular crater, perfect for aiming a high-powered weapon of mass destruction at defenceless planets. Unhurriedly, it continued in its stately turn, bringing into view… another two craters, in a formation not dissimilar to the appearance of a bowling ball. It was a structure that could awe all comers. A structure that struck fear into those whose bowling ability was comparable to that of a mynock.**

"Hey look, the bowling alley! I think we're the first ones here!" exclaimed Vader excitedly as they pulled into the hanger.

Dooku looked around. "I think we're the only ones here."

Yes, dear readers. All the good people of the galaxy (except our helpless victims) had decided that going bowling this day could only result in pain (third-degree burns), suffering (Elvis impersonator attack), _death… _we mean, one hilarious fanfiction (we hope.) A crow flew past. (MM: Isn't this space?... DRS: Well, we're in the hangar.)

Dooku's words fell on deaf ears, as Vader was currently bouncing up and down in his seat, chanting, "Bowling, bowling, bowling!" We're not quite sure what tune it was, but it was quite catchy, and by the time the Dark Lords had disembarked, both were chanting, "Bowling, bowling, bowling!"

A hapless employee stepped up to greet the Siths. "Welcome to the Fatal Ball of Burning Gas Bowling Alley."

"That," said Dooku in disgust, "is the worst name I've ever heard."

The employee shrugged. "Well, 'Death Star' was trademarked, and 'Floating Ball of Dooooooooooooooooooooooom!' sounds un-family-friendly." He frowned. "Where was I?" Reaching into his pocket, he checked his palm cards. "Ah, yes… Hey, stop that!"

Vader had snatched the cards away with the Force, and was holding them just out of reach of the greeter. "Gotcha cards!" he was taunting.

Dooku sighed impatiently. "Vader, stop antagonising the pathetic life-forms."

"Oh, alright."

A slightly frazzled employee began his spiel again. "Welcome to the Fatal Ball of Burning Gas Bowling Alley. As you are the first guests of the owners to arrive, please feel free to amuse yourselves – !"

He was unable to finish, as Vader proceeded to Force-choke him, before chucking him out of a conveniently placed airlock.

"Vader," Dooku began disapprovingly.

"What? He said I could amuse myself."

Dooku thought about this for a moment. "You're right; that was amusing."

Another employee, shaking like a leaf (MM: Leaves don't shake. DRS: Yes they do. Just look out the window. MM: What's a tree doing in space? DRS: The real window, not the one in the story!) He extended a trembling hand, offering a pair of small bags – like the ones chocolate coins come in - to the two imposing figures before him. Dooku accepted them, and the boy ran screaming, "Mummy!"

Vader's eyes teared. (At least, we think they did. His eye piece fogged up. Which would have made bowling rather difficult, if it weren't for the windscreen wipers he'd installed. "I miss my mom," he confessed sadly to Dooku.

Dooku thought to himself, 'He's more temperamental than a pregnant woman!' He threw one of the bags at Vader.

Immediately, the suited Lord's eyes lit up. (Neon lights shone out through the eye piece.) Happy as a Dark Lord cutting his son's arm off, Vader pranced off, singing out, "Free tokens, free tokens. Lalalalalala!"

The automatic doors opened, then slid shut again as Vader came close. He stopped, confused. Backing up, he waved at the sensor eye. Again, the doors opened. Then shut again when he walked forwards. This occurred several times before Dooku caught up to him.

"It's an evil eye!" Vader wailed.

Dooku shook his head. "Don't be silly, Vader. The evil eye is a widely distributed element of folklore… Vader, are you listening to me?"

He wasn't. He was too busy patting the sensor eye, which had extended itself on a stalk to be at his level. "I shall call you Iris," he announced proudly, "and you shall be mine. You shall be my Iris. Now, open the door for Daddy…"

Vader was interrupted by Dooku smashing the glass. "Well, that's one way to do it," he said, affronted.

"I thought you liked aggressive negotiations?"

"Only when I'm the one doing them!" Then he was distracted by brightly flashing lights. "Shiny…" He ran off, hurrying to the video games.

**MM: And that is how the Dark Lords got to the bowling alley.**

**DRS: Maddy… we didn't actually explain how they got there. Only their arrival.**

**MM: Well, how did they get here?**

Dooku: I'd like to know, as well.

**MM: Shut up. You're just a character. We're the authors.

* * *

****DRS: OK, while Maddy's arguing with Dooku, I'll get started on another bit.**

**MM: Hey, you can't start without me!**

**DRS: Yes, I can. I've got the keyboard.**

**MM: … Good point.**

"Hey, I see it!"

"No, Luke. That's just another asteroid."

"Oh. There it is!"

"No, Luke. That's just one of their employees. I think we're getting close."

Chewbacca and Leia shared a glance. Luke and Han had been arguing like that for the last five minutes.

Threepio and Artoo were frantically trying to get someone's attention. "Mistress Leia, please! That… thing… is burning down the kitchen!"

"Not now, Goldenrod!" snapped Han. Then, he seemed to realise what Threepio had said. "Wait… burning… kitchen… my kitchen… my ship… Ah! My ship is burning!" He jumped up, and began running in circles around the cockpit.

Chewie moaned. "DON'T WORRY. I'LL GO LOOK."

When he entered the galley, the scene that met his eyes was like something out of his worst nightmares. The Gungan was attempting to flame-grill some energy bars… using Luke's lightsabre. How he got that, we don't know. Maybe Luke just took after his father.

Chewie roared. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU STUPID FROG?"

Jar Jar looked at Chewie. "Mesa not unnerstan. Mesa tinks yousa don't likes mesa usin deesa here glow glow stick. Das okey day, mesa use da flame-thrower!"

Sensing there was only one solution to the problem, Chewbacca grabbed the gangly alien around the throat, roaring and shaking him.

"Okey day. Mesa stop now!"

Just then, the ship lurched, and both were thrown backwards. Chewbacca quickly scrambled to his feet, hurrying to the cockpit. Jar Jar followed behind him.

"WHAT'S HAPPENING?" he roared.

"The kid's decided to race that idiot in the shiny ship," Han replied acidly.

Jar Jar glanced out the cockpit window. "Dat's a J-type 327 Nubian."

Everyone (except Luke, who was busy trying to beat the other Nubian vessel) stared at Jar Jar. "How would you know something like that?" Leia asked.

"Dat's da Queenie Senator's ship. Deysa mesa friends!"

This statement prompted several snickers. Chocolate bars fell on top of Han. No, just kidding.

Suddenly, the ship stopped moving, and everyone fell down. "Kid! What was that for?" Han demanded.

"We've entered the hangar." He pointed to a nearby sign. "I had to reverse park."

"You better not have scratched the paint work," Han threatened.

"What paint work?" Leia muttered.

Jar Jar was out and running across the hangar. "Lookie lookie Senators! Mesa here! Ani! Mesa so happy to see you!"

Just then, several other vessels entered the hangar, and their passengers began to disembark.

Jar Jar, overcome with joy at seeing his friends again, leapt at Anakin, trying to give him a hug. Anakin dodged. A ghostly voice rang out. "You must have Jedi reflexes."

Everyone turned to see the older man, scrambling out of the side car of a rather unorthodox bike. He was closely followed by a horned, stripey dude.

Mace uttered a groan of dismay. "It's Queer-Gon! I thought he was dead! I was so happy!"

Amidst the confusion, Padme gripped Anakin's arm. "Come on. Let's go inside, before rush hour really starts."

* * *

**And here, dear readers, we will leave this chapter. Just to clarify: yes, everyone has arrived at the Fatal Ball of Burning Gas Bowling Alley, or as we will call it from now on, the FBBGBA…**

**MM: GBA! I love GBA games!**

**DRS: Yeah, me too.**

**We'll try to update as soon as we can. Promise.**

**Oh, and by the way, we recently had a job opening at the FBBGBA, and are looking for staff. We need someone who is hard working, conscientious, and not afraid of Dark Lords. To contact us, to apply or to suggest cannon characters for the position, please click the little blue button next to "Submit Review".**

**Thank you.**

**From the dubious duo,**

**DRS and MM.**


	7. The Unnamed Chapter

Chapter 7: The Unnamed Chapter

**MM: Hey! Welcome back to this Part Seven of Bowling!... Hey! Welcome back to this Part Seven of Bowling!... Hey!...**

**DRS: Maddy is suffering from sugar-induced memory loss. Sorry for the inconvenience. She'll be working again soon.**

**MM: That's lovely… I'm half the brain here… ok, maybe a quarter…**

**Well, its time to once again inflict randomness upon all our loyal readers.**

**DRS: Do we have loyal readers? (Turns to readers) Hello, out there. (Pauses) Is there anyone there? (Crickets chirp) OK… well, we might just get onto the story now, before I get depressed.**

* * *

Everyone is at the bowling alley. Ok, end of chapter. Thanks for reading.

**MM: JESS! NOT FUNNY**

* * *

Everyone was finally at the bowling alley. Now, what is generally the first thing you do when your party gets to a bowling alley?

"Shoes!"

"No, Padme, not those sort of shoes."

Padme ran up to the counter and placed a pair of _Jimmy Choos_ (**MM: Copyright, Jess**) a pair of _Johnny Chews _down. However, she was not prepared for the frightful apparition that appeared before her:

"Sola!? What are you doing here?" (**DRS: This is dedicated to **_padme's sister_**, who reviewed asking for a job.**)

Sola, however, had a more important question. "What are you doing with _my _shoes!"

Anakin backed away from the counter, looking to Obi-Wan for guidance. Obi-Wan however, was commenting to Qui-Gon on the shoes. Qui-Gon was rather offended, because he listening in on the author's conversation.

"I've been dead for how long, and the first thing you ask me about is _shoes_!?"

Obi-Wan began to cry. "Well, you never even wrote me once!"

Qui-Gon stared at him. "What did you want me to say? 'Wish you were here'?"

"Well, it would have been nice!"

Qui-Gon stared in disbelief. Maul quietly took him by the arm and led him away. Some people may have seen this as slightly suss, but as they had only recently abstained from impaling one another on glowing rods of energy, such a conciliatory action should not be seen in this light.

**MM: Ooh! Big word!**

**Damien: Oh, dear…**

**DRS: Damien is my little brother. He's just along for the ride.**

**MM: Oh! I just got my learners! Yay!**

**DRS: And her photo is just **_**beautiful**_**. (She snickers. More chocolate falls)**

**MM: We should stop using that joke now. It's not that good.**

**Damien: Jess has her learners too. Stay off the footpaths! Oh, and one more thing: GET BACK TO THE FIC!**

**MM: So, where were we? Ah, yes. Obi-Wan was amazing Qui-Gon with his stupidity; Anakin was getting scared; and Padme and Sola had began a cat fight - not using cats, because we do not condone animal cruelty – instead, they were using their stiletto heels in hand to hand combat.**

Palpatine stepped forward, acting the peace-maker. "Now, Senator Amidala, Madame Naberrie, is this mature, adult behaviour?"

Suddenly, a whooshing sound filled the air. Sensing danger, Palpatine dodged. Realising one of the two women had thrown a shoe, he turned to them. "You missed," he informed them smugly.

_Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh whoosh whoosh THUNK!_

Padme laughed and high-fived Sola. "Good throw, sis!"

By now, everyone else had their shoes. They all looked pretty spunky – particularly Yoda. A non-Star Wars fan might have described him as 'a little green thing in a potato sack, wearing red and black bowling shoes', but from now on we will call him the YODANATOR.

Yes, we let Yoda and Han enter the names on the electronic score board. The competitors:

The YODANATOR (Yoda – Someone's overcompensating…)

Flying Solo (Han – ditto on Yoda)

OB1 (Obi-Wan)

QUEER G (No, we're not refering to _Queer Eye for the Jedi_ – this is just Qui-Gon)

E (Ani – an E.)

Buns (Leia)

Nab-Woohoo! (Padme. Don't forget, two emotionally stunted guys are doing this.)

E-mo (Vader. It's _an E_, decked out in black. Don't ask)

Dookula (Dooku – "We shall meet again, Van Helsing! And next time, I will have a lightsaber!")

Mango (Jango. Can anyone understand Kiwis?)

Bo-baa (Boba. He has a pet sheep; he's Kiwi, too. Enough said.)

Baldy (Mace – like you didn't guess)

Horny (Maul - We're referring to his head, you sick minded people. No, not that one! His cranium!)

Stormy (Cody – He reminded Han of the Stormtroopers for some odd reason…)

Farmboy (Luke)

Fuzzy McFuzzfuzz (Chewie. Both Han and Yoda know his name, but it's more fun this way)

R-Not (Artoo! Are not! Artoo-Deetoo!)

Goldenrod (Threepio)

Froglet (Jar Jar)

SITH LORD (Palpatine)

Leia groaned. "Couldn't you have come up with a more inventive name? 'Buns'? I wore that hair style _once_!"

"Referring to your hair, I was not," Yoda informed her. "All I can see from down here, they are."

Leia turned red, and rounded on Han. "Well, Mr 'Flying Solo', you have one minute to fix it – or you _will _be _flying solo_ tonight!"

Anakin leered at Padme. "They got me right – I'm always Horny."

Padme laughed. "No, silly; I told them to just put Ani."

They looked again. "I don't see 'Ani' on there," Padme mused. "But there is an E… Oh, _an E… _Ani."

Palpatine stared at the board. "_Sith Lord_? Why did you call me that?" he asked Han.

The smuggler shrugged. "Well, no offence, but you remind me of this really sleazy guy I met once… he was called the Emperor, and he _really _needed a face lift."

It took all of Palpatine's restraint not to zap him with megavolts of electricity. He made a mental note: _Kill Han Solo_. Under that, he mentally wrote, _Invest in some moisturiser_ _(maybe Kenobi can help)_.

A random FBBGBA staff member stepped forward. "Alrighty, folks!" he said, with a cheesy grin and an even cheesier American accent. "It's time to pick out your bowling balls! Now remember, your bowling ball is your best friend. If you'll step forward, I'll take your measurements, and issue the appropriate bowling ball."

Obi-Wan leapt eagerly to his feet.

"Alright, if you'll just come this way."

Obi-Wan was settled in what looked suspiciously like a dental chair. It tilted backwards slowly as a metal cap was lowered. As the attendant stepped forward to place the cap on his head, Obi-Wan began to panic.

He Force-jumped out of the chair, screaming. "It's going to suck my brain out!"

Qui-Gon shook his head. "He's always like this around anything that seems remotely like medical equipment. That's why we were banned from the healing wards. That and the fact he kept hitting on the biomedical droid – I think it got transferred to a Hoth installation after 'the incident'."

Suddenly, Tripod was heard singing, in three part harmony, "Everyone, everyone, everyone's in _love…_"

Mace took hold of Obi-Wan's shoulder. "There, there, Obi-Wan. Why would anyone want to take _your_ brain."

Obi-Wan thought about this for a moment. "Yeah, thanks Mace. That's reassuring," he said, completely sincerely.

"And besides, no one would ever, ever, ever, ever, _ever _want to suck anything of yours," Mace continued, helping the attendant strap Obi-Wan into the dental chair.

"You know, I've always wondered what it would feel like to be strapped down by two men," Obi-Wan thought aloud. He continued: "Does my bum look big in this? Did I turn the iron off?"

"You're still thinking aloud Obi-Wan," Mace told him.

"Oh… whoops!"

**DRS: And, as Maddy's mum has just arrived, we will leave the chapter here. Next chapter, we get to find out what bowling balls everyone received. (Grins evilly) Until next time! May the Force be with you!**


	8. What's That Sound?

Chapter 8: What's That Sound?

**When we last saw our victims – er, characters – Obi-Wan was getting strapped into a machine to discover his perfect bowling ball.**

**However, the authors can't remember where that storyline was going, so we'll just leave him there. Everyone else has been shepherded away by another member of staff.**

Obi: Hey, where are you all going?

Han: Oh, don't worry, we'll be back in twelve parsecs.

Obi: Ok!

Chair: (vibrates)

Obi: Mm… That feels so… (mutters) No! Control, control… A Jedi is always in complete control of themselves…

Chair: (moves to next setting)

Obi: (with a contented sigh) Take your time…

* * *

**MM: We have realized by now that these characters have travelled the universe, brought balance to the Force, fought off alien ducks –**

**DRS: Alien ducks?**

**MM: Haven't they?**

**DRS: stares**

**MM: Well… they could have… should have… Anyway…**

**Despite this, they haven't actually been bowling yet! And, as that is the major premise of this story, we should probably get them started.**

**

* * *

Jango stepped up to the line. A bowling ball mysteriously appeared in his hands. He took aim and a mysterious ticking noise filled the air.**

_Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick._

It irritated Mace. "What is that noise?" Looking around in confusion, he didn't realize when his foot started to tap. "Hm… it's actually kinda catchy…"

Matching the metronome beat, he started chanting, "Mace… Mace… Windu Mace. Mace… Mace… Windu Mace…"

"Obi-Wan!"

"Mace… Mace… Windu Mace. Mace… Mace… Windu Mace…"

"Obi-Wan!"

"Mace… Mace… Windu Mace. Mace… Mace… Windu Mace…"

"Obi-Wan!"

"Han, Han… Han Solo!"

"Mace… Mace… Windu Mace. Mace… Mace… Windu Mace…"

"Obi-Wan!"

"Han, Han… Han Solo!"

"Padme. Padme. Padme-Padme."

This rhythmic chanting continued for some time. Out of the blue appeared a figure in black robes. Before any Jedi could draw sabers at the unknown, Sithly figure, he joined in with the singing.

"Harry Potter! Harry Potter! Ooh, Harry Potter! Harry Potter, Yeah! Harry Potter! Harry Potter! That's me!"

Mace stepped forward to defend his universe's honour. We're not exactly sure why he bothered in this fic, but he did…

"Mace!"

"Harry!"

"Mace!"

"Harry!"

"Mace!"

"Harry!"

"Mace!"

"Harry!"

Suddenly, a stampede of rabid Harry Potter fangirls appeared. As they raced through the room, they snatched up the Wizard, bearing him away.

Fangirls: Wingardium Leviosa!...Holy crap, that spell actually works!

A fading voice could still be heard over Mace's chant.

"Mace!"

"**HELP!"**

"Mace!"

"ME!"

"Mace!"

"please…"

Jango had been staring at this spectacle in mute horror.

Han stepped close to him, and in an unexpected wave of genius… or perhaps intelligence, in this case… realized where the noise was coming from.

"Hey! I've found the source of the mysterious ticking noise! It's the bowling ball."

Grinning, Jango corrected, "You mean the bowling _bomb_."

"Bomb!?" Cody leapt up in surprise. His training came full into action. With a flying kick, he knocked the ball down the lane.

Zooming straight down the aisle, the ball rocketed over the centre pin, the rush of its passing causing a perfect strike.

"Yes!"

_Then_, it exploded.

"Error. Does not compute. Please try again," spoke a mechanical voice.

Jango stared at the wreckage of the laneway. "You've _got_ to be kidding me…"

"Correct. You are disqualified."

"Noooooooooooooo! It's not true! It's _impossible!"_

Luke frowned. "Hm… That sounds familiar…"

Suddenly, an evil voice rang out in laughter, before…

"Sidious, Sidious. Ooh! Sidy Sidy Sidy Sidious."

All eyes turned towards…

"Qui-Gon!?"

Looking around at the incredulous faces, the maverick master sighed. "I do my best, truly I do… If you can't take a hint, there's not much more I can do for you…"

**

* * *

**

A message from your esteemed authors:

**MM: WE'RE SORRY! But we're both at Uni now, and I haven't actually been over to Jess' place in more than six months.**

**Readers: Excuses, excuses…**

**DRS: **_**Anyway… **_**Chapter summary:**

**They are now actually bowling!**

**Damien: Finally.**

**DRS: Damien: Go. AWAY.**

…**and Obi and Jango are out of the game. But don't worry, they're not free of our torture just yet…**

**Oh, and just in case you hadn't realized, we drew heavily on Potter Puppet Pals for our inspiration for this chapter. Thank you, PPP ppl!**


	9. Gotcha!

Chapter 9: Gotcha!

…


	10. What's That Sound? 2

Chapter 10: What's That Sound? 2

The mechanical voice of the computer rang out. "It is now the turn of the walking carpet."

"Huh?" asked Mace.

Shaking his head at the idiot Jedi, Chewie stood up.

He lifted a ball. "NO… TOO LIGHT…" A flick of his wrist sent it through the ceiling.

The next three were granted the same verdict and treatment.

We're not sure when they'll stop moving. Maybe if they encounter a black hole…

A little tweaking of the computer and three seconds later, a shiny black bowling ball came out. "LEAD COATED IN ENAMEL. PERFECT."

Everyone took one step back.

Then five more.

"ONE, TWO, THREE… HUNH!"

With a mighty swing of his arm, he sent the ball speeding down the lane.

A rasping WHOOSH-ing sound filled the air.

Everyone looked at Darth Vader. "It's not me!"

A large blue box materialized directly in the path of the projectile.

The bowling ball went hurtling through the door. A muffled cry of "Ow!" was heard.

Then the door swung open to reveal a blinding light, and…

"David Tennant!" Both Padme and Leia squealed in delight.

Han and Anakin both looked on jealously.

David Tennant, otherwise known as The Doctor, stepped out, the bowling ball in his hand. "Who threw this?" he asked. "Who _threw_ this!?"

Chewie raised a hand nervously. The Doctor stormed forwards. "You hit my new converse!"

With rage burning in his eyes and sonic screwdriver in hand, he took his vengeance.

When he was done, Chewie had a poodle cut.

"Oh…"

"Dear…"

"Force…"

One of the bowling alley attendants started to giggle.

Chewie pulled out his actual bowcaster.

"Good… good… Now kill him!"

Another attendant died…

**MM: Hm… we're running out of them…**

**DRS: I think we should ask for a refund… They're nowhere near their expiry date…**

**(Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff)**

A plotbunny suddenly dropped from the sky, landing on Chewie's head.

"WHAT'S THAT!?"

"I do believe it is a plotbunny, Chewbacca," began Threepio. "My sources indicate that they are quite common on the planet FanFiction. I wouldn't have expected to see such a fine specimen in _this_ story."

A scene of unimaginable violence followed.

Meanwhile, David Tennant was being fawned over by a gold-bikini-clad Leia and a black-leather-clad Padme. Not that he noticed. He was too busy puzzling over the great mystery of this chapter:

"How did the ball get through the shields? The TARDIS is impregnable! It can withstand asteroids, Darlek attacks, door-to-door salesmen, and bad acting!"

**DRS: How a bowling ball got into the TARDIS is the great mystery of this chapter? What about, oh, I dunno, what the TARDIS is doing there in the first place?**

David Tennant looked up. "Good point, DRS."

**DRS swooned in delight.**

The Doctor turned and with apparent carelessness, tossed the bowling ball down the lane.

"Nine."

A single pin remained.

With a frown, he pulled out THE sonic screwdriver. Pointing it at the stubborn pin, he activated it.

"Correction: Strike."

His satisfaction was interrupted by a loud shout from Vader. The Sith Lord was pointing at Chewie. "I get it! There's a poodle involved!"

"Je ne suis pas un caniche!" With that impassioned declaration, Chewie fled the game.

--

**A/N: There you go! Three –er, well, two, updates in one sitting! Enjoy!**


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